suffering
one of the cats is laying
on the floor next to me
she has vomited four times this morning.
i took away her food
but then she just vomited up the water.
everything she puts in
comes out her mouth in chunks.
everything i put in my mouth
comes out my ass in burning swirls.
and it is 90 degrees again
in new york.
the cat and i are both suffering
only we don’t know why.
she has the vomiting spells for days
and i have the shits for days
and the back and neck pain
the shoulder pain
and the left chest and arm pains
that burn and get tight
whenever i get tense.
i’m thinking about death again
is it soon or sweet or sour?
i’m thinking about quitting the job
quitting the apartment
taking the wife and both cats with me,
and just walking america stress free
like modern nomads.
but i will probably do none of it.
i’ll just sit here drinking rum with iced tea
at 9:30 in the morning
until it is time for the afternoon shift.
and i will probably clean up
another mess made by the cat before i leave,
get nervous about it and tense.
i’m afraid she will die more than
my own demise.
and i will think these pains in the chest
will lead to my death,
and i imagine my wife coming home
to find us both in a pool of bile and hell
we are both suffering here, this cat and i
we are all suffering
but there is no one to complain to.
no one.
nothing.
you have yourself
fate
chance
or the pale acceptance to step away from one life
put on the clothing of the dead
and head out to work,
where you know they are gunning for you,
hoping to christ you make it home
in one piece
and the cat is cleaning her claws with a full stomach
as the wife hands you a beer with a smile
and good music is on the radio.
07.09.08
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