barney
is mentally handicapped
i’ll just get that out there
only we’re not really sure
how he’s that way
he stutters
can’t get words out
can’t comprehend a thing
meaning….you can’t joke with him
but if you get sarcastic
he gets the drift
he gets angry and defensive
barney spent the month of november and december
wishing everyone a merry christmas
multiple times
he’s been saying happy new year for two weeks
now he just says,
have a good holiday
only we’re not sure what he’s talking about
people walk around here asking each other
what holiday is he celebrating now?
barney is always dressed in black
like lou reed
lou reed if he were pushing three hundred pounds
had brown-yellow teeth
a pubic hair beard
and had a tear up the ass of his black levis
lou reed has been dead since 2013
a dead lou reed might look better than barney
just yesterday i watched him
drink in entire liter of diet pepsi in two gulps
(barney not lou reed obviously)
while watching a fifteen year old girl bend over
to tie her shoes
in those stretchy pants they all wear now
barney has a bit of a problem with the young ladies
he’s always following them around
saying hello
telling them to have a nice day
i’m supposed to tell the girls that barney is harmless
but i don’t really know him from shit
and when he backs one of the girls into a corner
trying to tell them a joke
stuttering like a madman
i make sure that i’m watching
because i’m a fine upstanding man
who never notices
when fifteen year old girls bend over
to tie their shoes in stretchy pants
barney spends his days printing tons of things off the
internet
no one is sure what he’s printing
no one cares
we do wonder where he gets the money though
for the printing
spitting out hundreds of pages ain’t cheap
and the two-liter bottles of soda he brings in
in groups of three
they can cost a pretty penny too
when you stack up the days
it’s pretty obvious barney can’t hold down a job
though i’d like to get him one at wal-mart
he could stand by the door in a bright blue smock
and wish all the fifteen year-old girls
a happy holiday
or to have a nice day
when they bend over to tie their shoes
soda is dirt cheap at wal-mart
and barney would be in a carbonated paradise
but rent is too high for wal-mart
in this city
and we already have enough places here
that don’t pay a living wage
so barney is probably better off not working
he seems happy with his print jobs and his soda-pop
content to watch the young girls
lift and bend
filled with joy in whatever celebration
is going on in that head of his
people are always trying to improve other people
people are pricks
a lot of people thought lou reed was a prick
but barney’s not lou reed
and the next time he tells me a joke
i’m gonna make sure
to laugh
as he stutters
howl
like i really give a shit.
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