day THREE HUNDRED and EIGHTY FOUR

A List Of Things That Donald Trump Might Actually Be
(Because He’s Clearly Not A Human)
· a half-melted novelty dildo

· a half-melted mannequin that came to life

· an evil genie

· a squash golem

· the physical embodiment of that urine smell in New York subways

· the physical embodiment of bad taste

· the physical embodiment of all the world’s racism

· a racist wet dream that came to life

· whatever immortal slug McDonald’s gets the meat for Big Macs from

· Grimace, after he dyed his skin orange

· a bunch of squirrels in an ill-fitting William Shatner skin-suit

· a sentient pile of shit in an ill-fitting William Shatner skin-suit

· an evil, Mirror Universe William Shatner in an ill-fitting William Shatner skin-suit

· a time-traveling Nazi

· a Russian Cylon

· an enormous toddler

· a regular-sized toddler, but from a land of very stupid giants

· the result of some kind of Monkey’s Paw-type curse unwittingly cast by Bernie Sanders

· Hitler’s brain in the body of a beached manatee

· all of America’s worst decisions made manifest

--Eirik Gumeny