jim dandy
jim used to work
at this sporting goods store in the mall
he was some fat schlep in gold chains
who talked ghetto talk even though he was snow white
me and some friends
would prank call his store weekly
one of us would call from a payphone
while the others would go into the store
and listen to jim on the phone
make his tough guy idle threats
then laugh
as he waddled around his retail kingdom
red-faced, cracking his knuckles
telling his employees what he’d do to those punks
he was great entertainment
when you had little else to do
a couple of years later
jim and i ended up working together
in another sporting goods store
where i learned that he thought
he was a ladies man, too
jim hit on anything that moved
he made up tall tales
about the girls working in the food court
all the head that he was getting from
the assistant manager at lane bryant
the kind of stuff that one could dispel
in a brief conversation with a chipper blonde at the taco
bell
jim used to try and bust in on our female clerks
whenever they were in the bathroom
he claimed he always tried the locks first
i used to have to wait
for this one female clerk who closed with me
because she was terrified of him
jim thought that i was sweet on her
he made kissy faces at me as he rang out the register
and told me that i’d never get in her pants
he was right
but he was a good lesson in what not to do
about a month or so after that
jim finally burst in on a female naked
and was fired the next day
but no one pressed any charges
a year later i was at the mall
jim was working the hallmark store
still swinging his gold chains and cracking his knuckles
a store manager again
because america was a constant clean slate
if you had the right kind of swagger
so i went and found the payphone
and the number of the hallmark store
then i dialed and waited
for dear old jim dandy to pick up
releasing the right kind of ire
that could only remind him of the past
thinking if only i could see his face
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