The Asshole
News item: Fragments of the text of a lost Greek play were found among the pages of a disordered collection of medieval manuscripts in a French monastery. The play, entitled The Asshole, is attributed to Philonides of Athens, a contemporary of Aristophanes and likewise an author of Old Comedy.
This wicked
Bad-tempered
Disgusting man
Stuffed full of foam and feathers
A strange variety of baboon
A coward
A thief
With dirty hands
Teetotaler
Hated by the gods
An affront to the Muse
No man a bigger glutton
A useless mouthy sort
The River Diarrhea in full flood
Spews forth on Twitter
About a million times a day.
The Woman:
It is ridiculous that my husband took no thought at all of me.
He fucked that flute girl from the trailer park
That spicy marjoram from Arcadia
That tasty tart from the Playboy Mansion
People I tell you:
The drill let him down
The drill let him down
It was weak after all.
Impious and lawless
Best at shakedowns
Fraud and schemes
Did the opposite of all the oaths he swore
Favored only by old men with withered lives
Throw the book at him.
This is the jar that acquits.
This is the jar that condemns.
The Jury:
Let us be rid of this fellow
Tell him
Leave this city
Drink hemlock
Chase it down
With sea slugs
Drop dead
Bring here his head
Chopped to bits
Nothing left of the pig
Except the eyebrows
That sour grapes look
The mud and the squeal.
Impious and lawless
Best at shakedowns
Fraud and schemes
Did the opposite of all the oaths he swore
Favored only by old men with withered lives
Throw the book at him.
This is the jar that acquits.
This is the jar that condemns.
The Jury:
Let us be rid of this fellow
Tell him
Leave this city
Drink hemlock
Chase it down
With sea slugs
Drop dead
Bring here his head
Chopped to bits
Nothing left of the pig
Except the eyebrows
That sour grapes look
The mud and the squeal.
--Russell Streur
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