poem of the day 09.09.11

could’ve been a todd

you could’ve been a todd
my old man tells me from time to time

like it’s a threat

i wanted to name you todd, but your mother….

i find this bizarre
knowing that i could’ve gone by another name

for better or worse i’ve grown accustomed to my own
and at times i’m happy to respond to it

but todd?

i’ve known a couple of todds in my day
both were rather bland, lifeless blobs of flesh

i wonder if i would’ve been the same way
as if a name had something to do
with the shape of my character

or i’m curious if, as todd, i would’ve
handled things differently in my life

like not have overeaten too much as a child
to compensate for some deficiency resting deep inside of me

made more friends instead sitting alone in my bedroom
constructing my own walls and abject hell

todd seems like the kind of guy
who would’ve gone out for every kind of sport
made the honor roll
had a lot of girlfriends and gone to the prom

maybe as todd
i would’ve gotten a better job right out of college
and paid my student loans back on time
instead of running from responsibility for years and years
working the most mundane of jobs
letting the interest accrue on my life

i think that todd would’ve bought a car with a sun roof
and a house in the suburbs with a two car garage
two plus kids, couple of dogs, and big ass swimming pool

he sounds the kind of guy who’d happily
spend his sunday afternoons
writing monthly checks for such creature comforts
instead of killing cockroaches
and thinking of putting a gun to his head

or would todd have bounced from city to city
from job to job and apartment to apartment

just like i did

honestly believing that a change of scenery
would really make things any better in his fucked up mind?

todd sounds like the kind of sturdy guy
who would’ve stayed in one place
sucked in his chest and made the best of it

maybe he would’ve seen a shrink
or joined a bowling league

would i have even met my wife with this kind of name?

she seems too awesome to be married to someone named todd
tethered to some khaki pants wearing douche bag
who wants to barbeque with the neighbors
on a saturday afternoon
instead of lay in bed all day and drink wine

shit, if were todd i probably would’ve ended up
with some materialistic bitch
fucking her boss behind my back
while i blissfully turned my cheek
and watched television every evening

would i have become such a drunk if my name were todd?

certainly anyone named todd has good cause to drink

except for todd moore
because he was just fucking cool

but as todd would it really make sense for me
to spend each night pouring liters of poison into my system
trying to dull the pain of existence

cutting away at years that i haven’t had the privilege to spend yet?

would todd have lost weekends to wine and beer
because he just didn’t give a fuck anymore?

he just doesn’t seem like the kind of guy
who’d have gotten intimate with too many toilet bowls
after a weeklong bender
brought on by staring into the abyss of his own personal disgust

i don’t think i’d want to wish that kind of fate
on a guy like todd

a guy with a soft handshake
who has a smile for everyone

no, that fate belongs to someone else

to the guy sitting here writing this

to someone certainly tougher than a guy named todd