poem of the day 07.08.13

coward

and then i tried playing football again

for the grade school varsity team

even though i never really liked football

plus i had a bum left leg

from running through a glass door

the previous summer

i still couldn’t lift my ankle well enough to run

but my doctor had cleared me anyway

the coaches understood this to an extent

but they needed guys

the head coach kept saying to me

you’re coming back right?

even though i rode the bench

and drank all of the gatorade when it rained

i couldn’t do laps for shit

it was too hot in the full uniform

and my ankle kept giving out

the coaches thought that i was lollygagging it

that my leg injury was ultimately bullshit

that i just needed to get tough

so they set three eighth graders on me when we ran

they trailed me

and tried to scare me into compliance with their chants

they called me a pussy and other colorful things

they tripped and pushed me when they caught up

or because i’d finally quit running

a few of them got overzealous

they would try to get me the next day in school

brushing me with their shoulders in the hallway

telling me that they

were going to kick my ass in the bathroom

or at practice that night

but nothing even happened

when i returned my uniform to the coach

midway through an undefeated season

he looked at me as if i were a piece of shit

then he spit on the gym floor and said

you’re such a coward, grochalski

you know that?

you’re a little girl

we should put you on the cheerleading squad

nothing but a goddamned coward

maybe i was

but he was a small man in a small school

and at thirteen years-old i already knew that

so there was no harm that he could really do

and all i could think about

as i tossed him my helmet, my pads

and my high numbered jersey

was how free i suddenly felt

to cower or persevere

to walk or run as i’d like

or waste my saturdays laying on the couch

watching shadows spider across the walls

while somewhere else

some other kid was riding the bench

drinking all of the gatorade

or getting yelled at and pushed around

while he ran pointless circle after circle

in the hot sun and dirt.