day FIVE HUNDRED and EIGHT

meathead barbershop

the meathead barbershop

always has muscled italian dudes

hanging around in front

playing on their cell phones and talking shit

i’m not a fan of loitering

but i don’t own the joint

i wish i could say to the muscled italian dudes

hey, don’t you have somewhere else

that you have to be?

they’d probably kick my ass if i said that

or they’d say, what the fuck do you care?

which is a good argument

because i was just passing by on 3^rd avenue

on my way to the liquor store for vodka and wine

i wasn’t even going to get a haircut

and i don’t really care in the grand scheme

of life and death and everything in between

it’s just that i don’t like muscled italian dudes who loiter

this is america

everyone has their prejudices

and those dudes are mine

them and irish dudes on st. patrick’s day

also, if i was even in the market for a haircut

i wouldn’t get one from that joint

the meathead barbershop

makes everyone who gets a haircut

wear an apron with the american flag on it

as if patriotism is somehow linked

to getting a number two fade

and keeping the top kind of loose and shaggy

i don’t want to mix patriotism with getting a haircut

there’s too much patriotism in america

most days i choke on flags

just trying to get from point a to point b

like at the post office when i needed stamps

and the clerk reached for the flag stamps

and i said, without thinking,

anything but the goddamned flag

and she practically threw kwanza stamps at me

i couldn’t imagine being in the meathead barbershop

and saying, anything but that goddamned flag apron

but imagine how mad it would make

the muscled italian dudes?

they’d probably run me out of brooklyn

a bunch of muscled italian dudes kicking at the air

and shouting, get the fuck outta here!

as i hustle my ass over the verrazano bridge into jersey

no, i get my haircut in a place run by spanish and russian dudes

they play 1980s songs on the radio

and sing them in broken english

they have normal aprons there

and there isn’t an american flag in sight

i don’t even have to talk when i’m there

i just show them a picture

and they cut my hair just like it most times

last time i was in there they had a young latina woman working

she smelt of roses and fresh meadows

when she finished cutting my hair

she held up as mirror to my face and said,

just like leonardo dicaprio

he’s a famous actor who dates models half his age

and probably pays a thousand dollars for a haircut

a lie is a lie

but, look, if i look even remotely like him

i’m taking the compliment

and making an appointment way ahead of next time

which is another way of me saying

you can keep your meathead barbershop

your loitering italians

and your american flag aprons

you can shove them

up your red, white and blue ass

for all i care.

--John Grochalski