Tuesday, July 1, 2008

It Must Be Summer

Assholes on the pavement, outdoor concerts, morons sitting at outdoor cafes with their banal conversations and stinking, unrecognizable meals, the smell of burning meat on a grille on a 90 degree day, bass at all hours, rising electric bills, idiots carting ice coffees,scotch, beer, and wine hangovers....christ, it must be summer.

i'll skip the formalities here and say that i'm already anxiously awaiting the fall. i don't like the summer. i don't like the heat. i think people who walk around talking about how great the summer is are common assholes and philistines with nothing better to discuss. I've had left arm pains for two weeks, let's discuss that instead shall we? it's much more interesting then what fucking band you saw playing their shitty songs at an outdoor festival. schools have been out for less than a week, and i'm already sick of seeing children. i'm a public librarian. you'd think there wouldn't be children in a library. i know that when i was a kid i stayed the fuck out of the library. but they are here. every single day. and in droves.

why? 1)Air conditioning. 2)internet video games. check the average american street these days. do you see kids out playing? i sure as hell don't. if i see kids outside playing i feel like i should congratulate them for not being sucked into the playstation, nintendo, internet, disney, nickelodeon, iPod world we adults have been shitting on kids for the last decade. i want to give them a dollar or a beer from my sweating six pack and say "good job, sport-o." look, i'm going to sound like an old man here, but in the summer we were outside from about 10 or 11 in the morning until dinner, and then back outside until 9 or 10 at night. we didn't do shit. maybe we played baseball, wiffleball, or smoked our dad's cigarettes and chewed tobacco, or we played with star wars action figures or traded baseball cards. no matter what we did, we did it outside. and if it rained, you did it on the porch.
if you went inside, you were a pussy. plus i've had at least 4 kids say they were bored this summer already. BORED. i was a lot of things in the summer, but bored wasn't one of them. Let them work 40 fucking hours a week. I'll stay home and jerk off to the girls in High School Musical for them. but kids these days.....

Food in the summer makes me sick as well. not my own food. my own food is good, except for the fact that salt content might be killing me. but i like it. and i keep it to myself. this means i don't grille. i don't take raw meat or veggetables, and put them on a grille outside and make it so that every person in a 5-mile radius can smell the dead flesh or over-priced corn you're going to put in your stomach and shit out the next day. i hate sitting in the apartment with the blinds drawn, and smelling someone's fucking meal coming through the window. it makes me ill and angry, and really i should make the people responsible for the offending odor come over and pick up the smashed beer bottles and dead bodies off of my floor.

but there is a greater enemy than grillers. these would be the people who feeling it a necessary summer right of passage to eat their restaurant meals in the outdoor section of restaurants and cafes. personally i'm happy for the food and gas crunch if only that it'll mean less morons are spending their money out at restaurant stinking up the public space with their meals. there is nothing worse than having a fine saturday and then coming across a cafe with an outdoor section and a table of 8 people all eating and laughing. if you are one of these people here are a few points i'd like to make 1)seeing and smelling your half-eaten food is gross. 2) watching you chew and laugh as you have banal conversations about music, books, or television raises my blood pressure. what if i walked by your table and vomitted? or i took a shit in your backyard? it's just like tha 3)if you need, and i mean really need, to spend your time in groups of 4 or greater, you really need to check your own level of independence at the door, or go searching for it because it isn't there. Eating your restaurant meals doesn't add ambiance to your life or mine, it just makes me think you suck.

bass. i love the winter for the simple fact that i dont have to hear bass. listen, i love rap. or at least i pretend to so that i seem like a decent and well-rounded guy. but when someone pulls up in front of my apartment and all i hear is the thump thump thump of bass for 5 minutes while the people inside fight or fuck, or plan world domination, i get a little bit pissed. I get pissed when i'm sleeping and some asshole goes by at 3am with bass going. and two fans and a/c and 2 asshole meowing cats can't cover up the sound. there's bass everywhere in the summer. this must be the reason why everyone i talk to says "huh?" more than that, these fucking iPods. if you are spending $150-$400 to listen to your crappy music on the street or on the train, could you at least invest maybe another $30 on a pair of headphones that'll keep said shitty music in the realm of your ears and not mine. I'm sure the Hold Steady, lil wayne, paramoure, or whatever crap it is that people listen to these days is just fine for them....i'm just saying i don't need to hear it. maybe steve jobs should create the iFones that'll keep all the shitty iTunes inside the iPod.

what's worse...the 4th of july is coming up. my least favorite holiday. while most of you will be partaking in the above mentioned sins, i will be sitting in my apartment drinking warm red wine with the blinds drawn, finding the least American food that i can eat for dinner. of course, I'll be doing this after i go see the new documentary on Hunter S. Thompson.

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