Attention shoppers, this just in,
gather the carts in a circle and let me begin.
For all finger pointing pundits
and the newscasters of disaster,
for enhanced credit portfolios
and low mortgage rates
for better homes and gardens,
a more fertile front lawn,
for commodity, economy
and the lowest price around
I started the war,
Yes, it was me
in front of my TV
sitting on my love seat
in remote control as I lost my soul
my patience and my temper
in a live stream event of high definition
on satellite and cable T.V.
Or, you can watch it on your phone,
save it to your DVR.
There will be no pay wall or border walls
and it will all be funded by foundations
and viewers like you.
Be advised, you have no need to repent
for our sponsors and shareholders are happy.
The economy will be like a rockets red glare
and the stock market might go through the roof.
Your 401K will glow.
Your paycheck will grow,
and though the revolution may not be televised
the war will be available - on demand -
Yes, from my living room
I took it upon myself to liberate, emancipate
and annihilate the infidels and heretics
in a capitalist Jihad.
I went trampling across the desert,
jangling through the jungle,
crashing through the countryside
and the world wide web;
slogging and plodding along, up the hills
past the poppy fields and oil wells
stomping in sand up to my knees
to face the urgency of my insurgency.
So, light the menorah, hoof it to the Hajj
come down off the cross and get that best dress
Burkha off to the dry cleaners baby, cause it's war.
Take your best shot, pot shot atomic pop
and turn your scripture to page 93, start from the top
cause its application, sublimation Sunday
the conscription benediction
for the toads of war.
Grab your gun,
10 seconds to run, turn and fire.
Now, let's hear from the choir, Hallelujah hey!
Capture the flag, dig the latrine, take to the trenches
drag the pit, scared as shit, and hold off the inquisition.
Cause I've sent for the tanks, flown in the planes
clogged the express lanes with 10 items or less
who wins is anyone's guess.
I'm taking no prisoners.
I'm running with scissors,
opening the bomb bay doors
and dropping the load, the old war toad.
I've taken the enemies position into account
to give you the sharpest discount
for snipers, wind shield wipers
and a large sack of diapers.
My tariffs and sanctions are robust
and may last for years.
You can ask the Ayatola
or the Chinese premier
but have no fear
for the savior is coming
with an Armada of container ships
currently on the high seas
and the prices will bring you to your knees.
Yes, the captain is coming
to save the day.
There are savings on the way
and they are brought to you by my war.
Although the picture and footage are graphic
the AK 47’s and Patriot Missiles are pristine
pure and battle ready.
So, get your credit cards out
don’t push or shout
this is what freedom and liberty
are all about.
So charge your cell phones
and weaponize the drones.
For, it's 1 - 2 - 3 - 4
what are we shopping for ?
War - War - War
and let's not give a damn.
Let's take it to Tehran
Let's take it to Mogadishu,
take it to Aden and dear old Tripoli.
Pick any one you choose
war is the synonym of lose
that looks like a rubber raft full of refugees
on the Mediterranean sea.
Just send them away
there is no room here for them to stay,
perhaps another day.
Who will pay? Who will pay?
Truly we are blessed,
machine gun nest,
bullet proof vest,
for the hour has finally come.
The benediction of battle has begun.
The call to prayer is being sung
for the rapture has come
to a strip mall near you.
You can use your rewards card
for a rapturous discount
or put it on your credit card
with no money down.
Everything will be made to order.
Never mind the blood and slaughter.
The blitzkrieg and dread
are your devotional daily bread.
Bombs are bursting in air
or in the village square.
The rockets red glare.
Wait, there are children in there.
And, though the flag was still there
the whiskey in the situation room was flowing
and peace was just blowing away
can you see.
So, hop the digital train to the frontier,
and gather the wagons round the fire
cause it's a long road ahead
to the Wal-martian land of milk and honey,
sugar and spice just to pay the price
Grab the meek and put them down
diplomacy has died without a sound
without a wimper or a croak
of the old toads of war;
scribbling executive orders,
mandating a consensus
of missiles in the sand
and boots on the ground to foreign lands.
My war subsists in the shock and awe
of kicking in doors late at night,
much to the audiences delight
and I've taken on the fight, to end all rights.
If you don't like it, then go tell it to the NSA
cause today is the day.
For I, in my skinny jeans
and converse all stars from the goodwill store.
I, like any good infidel
have started this war.
You can set me on fire by the White House gates
but, the advancement must start before it's too late.
Ratings are down and gas prices are high.
The climate is changing, it's a good time to die.
I mean, I don't wish to bring you down.
I know it's a work night
and you have to get up in the morning
but I wanted to give you a warning
before it gets too late
that maybe if we don't hesitate
and we put our shopping carts back
we might be able to thwart the attack
with a little bit of action
and a whole lot of compassion.
I being so free
just might turn off the T.V.
and set the whole world free.