form letter blues
thank you very much for giving me
the opportunity to read your submission.
it was good for a laugh.
i appreciate you considering me
of your project.
unfortunately, after careful review
and coming to my senses,
i have decided
that i’m not the right agent
for your work.
i don’t deal in markers
this industry is incredibly
and also a huge waste of time
for authors and publishing houses.
there are many agencies out there
with many different tastes,
although most, like mine,
have only the most
direct and pedestrian monetary
goals in mind.
it is for this reason that i strongly
encourage you to keep submitting
elsewhere, in the hopes of finding
an agent not as concerned with big money
and making a big name for himself,
one who will be an enthusiastic champion
of you and your work
(or one that at least sees dollar signs
when they read your prose).
i apologize for the form letter reply,
but the volume of submissions
i receive has finally made it impossible
for me to personalize responses
as i have for years.
also, with the rise and gas and food prices,
the war, rent and bills, i have to spend a greater
amount of time going through
people’s literary drivel, in the hopes
of finding someone who will
help me pay off my car.
you, unfortunately, couldn’t pay off
i hope you will understand
and forgive me this necessary efficiency.
after all, we are in an age of
in addition, i do not feel it is
appropriate for me to provide
detailed editorial feedback on projects
i have decided not to represent
(i will try my best not to imagine you
languishing in a sea of booze, bills, endless
work hours, and a pile of form letters
just like mine).
i wish you all the very best luck
and success with your writing.
but don’t quit that day job