wine + cat = me in
the bathtub
i could’ve fallen asleep in there
really
it was late and i landed in a pretty good position
curled up like a baby
but then i heard my wife scream
she was in the bathroom
before i had time to get comfy
and make a night out of it
of course, one shouldn’t spend their night
sleeping in the bathtub
even if the shower curtain made for a fine pillow
even if the broken shower rod positions you just right
it’s just not what people do
especially on two bottles of wine and scotch
one gets a reputation that way
or they start to accept things like falling into the bathtub
as the new norm
people are creatures of habit
and my habits got me into this situation
actually it wasn’t even my fault
it was the goddamned cat that did it
her litter box is in the bathroom and she was taking a shit
cohabitation in the bathroom with an animal
is one of those new york city things
along with pizza and sky high rent
this cat is fifteen years old and senile
i keep waiting for her to die
because she can’t see and she can barely hear
and who the hell wants to live like that other than a human
being
she gets under foot a lot now because of this
and i just didn’t see her that late at night
but i saw that shower curtain, brother
coming at me full speed
i saw myself tangled in it
like my name was jerome “curly” howard
and then the shower rod falling like babylon
i saw the sun and moon and stars
and my own life flashing before my eyes
i saw light
and jesus standing there telling me
we don’t want what you’re selling
better luck downstairs, he said
with a smile
i opened my eyes
i saw that cat lick her ass
and stroll out of the bathroom like nothing happened
then my wife hovering over me
waving her hands like a referee
shouting what’s wrong?
what happened?
like i had an answer for her
at such a religious moment as this.
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