Thursday, May 31, 2018


tommy lasorda

i go to meet my wife
at the wine store
she’s in there with some dude
who has his fist in the air
like he wants to give her a fist bump
and i think, do we know this guy?
my wife is backed away like he smells like dog shit
and, oh, oh, i think
i’m witnessing sexual harassment
sexual harassment of my wife
so i go in there all….
and he sees me coming for him and he’s all…
then out of the blue he says by way of an introduction
hey, tommy lasorda
and i wonder why he’s bringing up
some fat, retired baseball manager
in the middle of harassing my wife
but then i realize that i’m wearing a dodgers hat
and tommy lasorda was the manager of the dodgers
from 1976 to 1996
he won 1,599 games and two world series championships
and oh, i forgot
this asshole was sexually harassing my wife!
so i say, yeah, tommy lasorda, real tough-like
so this d-bag knows that i’m not playing around
all the while i’m thinking
why tommy lasorda
like there are so many other great l.a. dodgers from that era
that he could’ve mentioned
like steve garvey
or orel hershiser
or sandy koufax or don drysdale or
fernando valenzuela
i’d even take pedro fucking guerrero
but he picks tommy lasorda
who, let’s be honest, didn’t really do much
but sit on the bench and yell shit
when he wasn’t getting up to hijinks with the san diego chicken
it wasn’t tommy lasorda who took a 3-2 count
backdoor slider over the fence in the ninth inning
of game one of the 1988 world series
that was kirk gibson
he did that on two injured legs
i would’ve taken kirk gibson over tommy lasorda
i would’ve taken anything actually
over this piece of shit harassing my wife
all casually
then saying, see you guys later
like we all came into the wine store together
after a quesadilla lunch
when i know it was just my wife and i
sitting there eating quesadillas
and not some sexually harassing third wheel
who couldn’t name a los angeles dodger
beyond the last time
some woman gave him the time of day
without him telling her
that she needs to smile more
because a smiling woman just makes his day
and all i could think as he left
was that i didn’t say shit to him
was that i should’ve asked my wife
to go to the grocery store instead of the wine store
but last week
she was in the grocery store in her women’s march t-shirt
and some fat old asshole
who probably looked like tommy lasorda
at her
so it really doesn’t make a difference
where a woman is alone
wine store
grocery store
dodger stadium
there’s always some male asshole
waiting to harass them
tell them how sexy they are
that they need to smile more
call them a bitch if they don’t respond
if they don’t act gracious
if they don’t act like this is the best
shit that’s ever happened to them
greater than all the loves of their life
greater than any joy
better than taking a 3-2 count backdoor slider
over the fence
at the bottom of the ninth inning
of game one of the world series
and hobbling around the bases like the king of the world
with tommy lasorda waiting for you at home plate
to give you a big hug
and a smack right on the back
of that well-sculpted

--John Grochalski

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