right after you told me the news
that the biopsy tested positive
and we got off the phone
i didn’t know what to do
i just sort of pictured you there somewhere alone
sitting in a stairwell or in a bathroom stall crying
i felt helpless
all of those nights of making sure we ate right
of checking those doors and windows and the oven
over and over and over again
making sure that we were safe and secure
it was suddenly bullshit
none of it mattered
not in comparison to this
i started looking around that office of mine
what’s that cliché?
it felt like the walls were closing in?
i’m sure they all heard me cursing
throwing chairs around and tossing books against the wall
what if i put a chair through a window?
punched a wall like i’m so famous for?
what if i took this computer monitor
and smashed it to its essential parts?
what would it solve?
that cancer would still be there the next day
instead i put my head on my desk
like they used to tell us to do in grade school
i imagined you back in april
picking up stones on the banks of the thames river
waving to me as i took pictures of london
i surrendered to the fate of the day
i cried like a baby
for the first time in a long time