day TWELVE HUNDRED and TWENTY FIVE

COVID-19 Day Planner: Day…I Don’t Fucking Remember

6:00 A.M. Wake up out of a horrifying dream that you won’t really remember but will have something to do with the apocalypse or the end days.

6:00-6:10 A.M. Long for sex dreams or any dream that isn't somehow related to COVID-19 anxiety

6:10-6:20 A.M. Morning “constitutional” where you catch up on Trump’s xenophobic, racist ramblings about conspiracy theories, before posting snide comments to his and Don Jr.’s (AKA Traitortot) xenophobic, racist and fascist tweets. Yell at people stopping in front of your window to bullshit while their dogs take huge steaming craps they won’t clean up.

6:20-8:00 AM: Free Play, which can mean masturbation, reading, crying on the couch, writing in my journal, crying in the bathroom, listening to music, crying at the kitchen table, sorting baseball cards, crying in the actual kitchen, lifting weights, and crying while lifting weights. All of this is done while intermittently yelling at people stopping to talk, scream into their cell phones, or blast base in front of your first-floor window.

8:00-8:30 AM: Wake up the wife and tell her all of the bad world news before she even gets an ounce of caffeine in her, then wonder why she’s looking at you that way or ignoring you by playing on her phone. All of this is done while intermittently yelling at people stopping to talk, scream into their cell phones, or blast base in front of your first-floor window.

8:30-11:00 AM: Writing but mostly playing on social media. All of this is done while intermittently yelling at people stopping to talk, scream into their cell phones, or blast base in front of your first-floor window.

11:00-11:02 AM: Check work emails. All of this is done while intermittently yelling at people stopping to talk, scream into their cell phones, or blast base in front of your first-floor window.

11:02-12:15 PM: get ready for some physical activity like jogging or running. Pick jogging clothing up off the floor where they just get randomly thrown. Search for keys that you now keep hidden because you are worried about someone breaking into the apartment because, why not add one more fear to your life right now. If Jogging: make sure to consistently look behind you for other joggers/bikers who also are not paying attention to the facemask rule while jogging. Yell at people walk who are doing so in the bike lane. If Walking: Bring facemask, wallet, keys, iPod etc for a one hour + walk, in which, you will inevitably become one of those people walking in the bike lane who get yelled at by joggers and bikers. All of this is done while intermittently yelling at people speeding in their cars intent on mowing someone down.

12:15-1:00 PM: Delouse: Wash hands. Sanitize any door handles, light switches, glasses, clothing, wallet, keys, ipods, essentially anything you touched while out getting exercise. Wash hands again. Accidentally touch something you forgot to sanitize. Sanitize said item. Wash hands again. Drink water from the exercise. Stretch (or you’ll pay for it later). Accidentally touch something else that you forgot to sanitize. Wash hands. Worry that you didn’t sanitize a light switch. Sanitize said light switch. Wash hands. Collapse on couch and play on iPhone. Say more mean and nasty things to the Trump Crime Family on Twitter even though you know they’ll never see it, but that it makes you feel good. Think about crying. Shower. All of this is done while intermittently yelling at people stopping to talk, scream into their cell phones, or blast base in front of your first-floor window.

1:00-1:30 PM: Lunch. Mostly an excuse to stand in the kitchen and eat the junk food that you feel you deserve to have in your apartment because of this virus. Negate all physical activity by said indulgence. All of this is done while intermittently yelling at people stopping to talk, scream into their cell phones, or blast base in front of your first-floor window.

1:30-4:00 PM: Reading on the couch. Essentially an excuse to intermittently pick up your cell phone and write nasty tweet response to the fascist nonsense being spewed by the Trump Crime Family on Twitter while liking the occasional cute animal post. Realize around 3PM that you’ve been laying on the couch for 90 minutes. Get up and lift weights to feel productive. Resist the urge to go into the kitchen and eat junk food. Go and eat junk food further negating any physical activity. Look at watch and sigh that it isn’t yet 4 PM and you can’t begin drinking. All of this is done while intermittently yelling at people stopping to talk, scream into their cell phones, or blast base in front of your first-floor window.

4:00PM-8:00 PM Cocktail time. Being with a strong double vodka and club soda over ice. Binge watch television. Decide around 5:30 that it would be a good idea to make some food. Make food while eating snacks in the kitchen. Eat said dinner. Head back to the couch to continue drinking while playing on your phone, listening to music, or wondering if it would be bad form to start crying. All of this is done while intermittently yelling at people stopping to talk, scream into their cell phones, or blast base in front of your first-floor window.

8:00-10:00 PM: Free Time 2: Use this time to read (provided you can follow along in a book), watch YouTube videos, tweet nasty responses to the Trump Crime Family on Social Media, or, if in the mood, extend cocktail time until 10PM. All of this is done while intermittently yelling at people stopping to talk, scream into their cell phones, or blast base in front of your first-floor window.

10PM-10:30 PM: Get ready for bed. Not because you are tired but because chances are good you’ve passed out on the couch from drinking, have drank all of the booze, don’t remember what time it is, or are simply in such a depressive state that you no longer want to be up and in this virus-riddled world run by cartoon autocratic madman. Bring phones, keys, wallets into bedroom in case someone breaks into your apartment. Put shoes, boxes etc in front of front door to stop said intruder. Brush teeth. Curse the sink that will not drain. Put on various nose machines to drown out people talking, blasting base, etc in front of your first-floor bedroom window. Pass out hoping you will not have another apocalyptic dream. Hope the planet gets hit by a species-ending meteorite while you sleep.

--John Grochalski