THUMP, Rasputin, and World Domination
The attack along the border began at 0500 and caught the Mexicans by surprise; the war was over in weeks, Mexico City and Guadalajara carpet-bombed into submission; it was no contest; the Federales melted like ice in Tijuana. Commander Thump then turned North—a brilliant move—the Canadians least expected it. Mexican mercenaries overran the provinces in no time flat, and American Armed Forces set-up camp on the plains of Quebec. Those Quebequoi who refused to be enrolled in English-language classes were sent into detention in Montreal, converted into a Gulag for enemies of the state…Thump was proclaimed Emperor of the Americas, Greatest Warlord of All-Time, Head Honcho, High Exalted Ruler, and A Swell Guy; American troops massed on the old Mexican/Guatemala border for the next big surge.
People in South America began to shit bricks as cholo politicians scrambled to make deals that The Thumper, self-proclaimed Czar of the Heavens and Plenipotentiary of the 5, 6, 7, and 12 year plans to make America great again, refused; he had all the chips, he said, why should he play anymore? Everyone agreed that he had a point; his Deplorables infiltrated South American governments to act as 5th columnists; the push south began in November on the Day of the Dead—there were plenty of those soon enough—within weeks the stars & stripes was planted on the Antarctic Peninsula…Now the two great Super-Duper powers, America and Russia—which had conquered Asia, Europe, and Africa—had control of the known world, people, goods, governments…The whole shebang.
Thump and his buddy RasPutin, Sultan of Squat, Great Poo-Bah, Man of LaMancha, and Indomiable of Indomitables of Greater, Lesser, and Intermediate Russia, met on Thump’s yacht somewhere in the Gulf of Mexico (now called South Texas) to confer on issues of World Domination and do some fishing, RasPutin catching a great white shark on day one (Thump a suckerfish). Thump bartered Washington D.C., New York, and the West Coast of the United States for mainland China. RasPutin let the state formerly known as Netherlands and the heel of Italy (now Italmenstan) go for the South Jersey Shore and Uruguay. Thump offered the eastern seaboard and all its establishments for Finland and a country to be named later but RasPutin said “ne-ett!” The discussion went back and forth, the conference a swimming success until the final day, when the moon, which came out, also came under discussion. Thump claimed proprietary rights because of American moon landings, and RasPutin uttered his now famous re-joiner: “the moon shine over Moscow too!” Thump sang a few bars of “Shine on Harvest Moon,” out of tune, and offered to rent a few acres (on the dark side), to which the Russian He-man and Man About Town thumped his nose. When Thump interjected “you’re fired!” RasPutin did a Jack Armstrongski—a judo chop to Thump’s fat head. His Bloatedness responded with a kick to the rubles…The bromance was over. The new Ice Cold Age set in…No sign of a thaw yet.
--Wayne F. Burke